a christmas novella…….

“Tomorrow will be AD1, but of course, it may not be aware of it.”

And so, the various interior building material listened as they lean their ears towards the aged looking lock and the creaking hinge, narrating its history in an empty residential show flat on a Christmas eve, due to no walk-in customers in a holiday season.

“There were many guests checking in the inn, and there was not enough room for all of them.  Some of the guests were directed to other inns nearby, except for a couple.  The wife was heavily pregnant and was sitting on a donkey, while the husband was leading it.  They asked the innkeeper for a room, however small it is, as his wife seems to be near the childbearing period.

The innkeeper tried his best to persuade them to look for the next inn.  However, the husband insisted that his wife could not possibly travel another one or two miles to the next inn due to her condition.   Hence, the innkeeper relented and told them that they could only stay for the night in a manger.

“And what did you observe?”, asked the curious toilet bowl.

“It was fortunate that they could reside in the manger for the night as the wife gave birth right after they settled in. After the child was born, suddenly there was a group of visitors, who seems to know where he was located, as their eyes were tracking the star that shone brightly above the manger.  They presented three precious gifts to the child and their parents.”

“How many of the presenters were there?”  queried the concealed door closer, hiding behind the door stoppers.

“I cannot recall, but at least there were 3 of them, wearing turbans that suggest that they could have travelled all the way from the far east.”

And so, the aged looking lock and the creaking hinge witnessed the earth-shaking event that changed the world forever after.

[prologue: have you ever wondered why the wall mounted door stopper seems to be the only ironmongery that is not installed onto the door. upon further probing into the historical behaviour of the wall mounted door stopper, it was discovered that thrice upon a time, the stopper was asked to contribute a farewell message for his female classmates when they graduated from their primary school. with poetic flair, this is what was written and inscribed for perpetuity, which led to his eventual ban from being part of the ironmongery on a door –

ROSES ARE RED, violets are blue

POO IS SMELLY, and so are you!?#*]

the parables of the fish_^^ironmonger

A short short time recently in a galaxy near near close……….

Conversations overheard between different architectural fittings in a building project show flat.

“I have the most unappreciated job in the world”, declares the made in Singapore door handles, “as I get pulled and pressed every day and don’t even get noticed by the owner”. “What are you complaining about?”, countered the branded Mayer inductive cooking stove.  She added, “I am under extreme hot pressure before every meal time. And I cannot stay out of the kitchen even when I can’t stand the heat.”  “I concur with her!”, exclaimed the Bosch self-cleaning matronly looking oven embedded with the latest IOT functions.  The debate somehow ended with the statement made by the Grohe extravagant gold plated toilet bowl, “I eat shit every day and I don’t even murmur.”

To defuse and relief the tension building up in the sample room, the mortise lock that is installed in the entrance door, decides to share a joke with the rest of them, which he eavesdrop from the property agent just the other day.

A man and his wife drove home late one night after an arduous day of work, tired and stressed out.  To their horror, both of the lifts in their building broke down and it was too late to call the maintenance team to service it.  So the husband suggested to this wife that they carry each other interchangeably for one floor and the one who is being carried will tell a joke to the one bearing the person, in order to alleviate the load and make the vertical trip more pleasant.  By the way, they lived on the fiftieth floor of the tallest residential flat in Singapore. 

So first the wife carries the husband, who shows how much he loves her by this gesture, and he tells her a joke.  Then he carries her and she tells him a joke.  This carries on each floor as they tried their best to think of enough jokes to last them through the journey, and to keep themselves entertained and indeed it did help to lighten the otherwise stressful and weighty task. 

When they are on the twenty-fifth floor, they wanted to give up with their legs getting more tired and wobbly from climbing up the stairs, but somehow they managed to trudge on, one floor by one floor.  The husband remarked to his wife that he would sign her up for gym lessons in California fitness club tomorrow, and the wife sparred back with a snide comment that he should go on fasting, starting tomorrow.

Soon the husband and wife managed to reach the forty-ninth floor, with one more level to go.  What a great achievement, the wife complimented the husband.  Now it was the turn for the wife to carry the husband to the final level.  And you know what the joke that the husband told the wife as she struggles each step by each step, with sweat breaking out of her forehead and down her cheeks and panting heavily, as she completed the tenth thousand step and reaches for the metal gate to hold her unsteady gait and feeling giddy from all the climbing, the mortise lock cannot help but giggle to the rest of his counterparts. 

After a momentary pause to stop its giggling and for a dramatic effect, the lock continue, “Dear”, the husband stutters, “Let me tell you the greatest joke of all”, the husband hesitantly says, “….. I have forgotten that I left the house key in the car, parked in the basement.”  Ha! Ha! Ha!

The mortise lock, the hinges and the rest of the fittings, all have a good laugh as tears stream down their faces.  The hinges that carry the heavy weight of the door laughed the loudest and their hilarity echoed off the empty show flat.  The hinges were so tickled by this joke that tears flowed out of their eyes, which to the human observer looks like the grease that were squeezed out from the friction and pressure on the hinge knuckle bearings.  Suddenly the timber door boomed, “Are you saying that I am fat?”………….

“And I don’t need keys to operate!”, whispered the ‘Gangnam’ style digital lock from the deep recesses of the samples store room.

Of course they live happily ever after, still in a building construction show flat, located somewhere close to your friendly neighborhood.

And they subsisted opportunely continually afterward, until the time comes when all the architectural fittings have to leave the building project show flat and live permanently in their installed base. During the last supper before they depart the next morning, they all shared their dreams and aspirations.  “I would like to be able to roast the Michelin Guide Award standard of goose!”, boasted the German Engineered Bosch oven jauntily, and added “ and with my secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices.”

“I would like to have the honor and privilege to grace the butt of the highest paid politician of the country”, countered the Swiss Made Grohe water closet.  Everyone could not disagree that it is indeed a noble task to be undertaken by the proletariat architectural fittings.    Not to be outdone, the Singapore Founded Mayer stove said, “even though I cannot stand the heat, I vow to produce the best and most sumptuous meals out from my kitchen, that can withstand the fiercest critiques of my owner’s mother in law!” “So what is your ambition?”, asked the stove as everyone turn their eyes on the plain looking door handle.

Speaking sheepishly, with a low voice, the door handle stated, “I want to be installed in the entrance door of a government built, public rental flat.”  “What?”, exclaimed the rest of the fittings, staring at the door handle, with their mouths wide open, disbelieving that it could have such a lowly goal.  The door handle explained, “your owners have the financial liberty to change and upgrade you to a newer model anytime, or your building is sold en-bloc and demolished, and you can become redundant and destined for the scrapyard overnight.”  However, it further elaborated, “I can remain with my owner all the days of his life.”  “Which one of us have a longer lifespan?”, questioned the door handle to the other architectural fittings.

All of them were still deliberating pensively on this query as the dawn breaks and morning came, as they await to be transported and installed in their final destination.

Interlude

In the field of mathematics, the au prime starts to drift further apart from each other as the whole numbers go into infinity. For example, 3 and 5, 5 and 7, 11 and 13, 17 and 19, 29 and 31, 41 and 43……..

It seems like when the ironmongery is not installed properly, the different pieces dropped out and often they are misplaced and cannot be put back together, like humpty dumpty.

Likewise, the fixing has to be instituted in the correct sequence.  If not the ironmongery world can turn topsy turvy.

Like a father and child relationship, the lever handle and escutcheons have to be in perfect harmony in order for the au pair rapport to prosper.

“I want to be independent from your dictatorial control of my life!”, shouted the escutcheon junior.  “Yes, sure, when you are old enough to earn your own living and don’t need me to spoon feed you!”, countered the handle senior.  This is a common refrain the rest of the ironmongery hears almost on  a daily basis in the hardware store.

“Are you not blissfully aware why we are packaged together?”, the handle senior tries to explain patiently and diplomatically to his estranged escutcheon junior.  “if the installer misplaces any of the parts, the installation cannot be completed satisfactorily,” “can’t you use your common sense!”  this only further inflamed the already flayed association between the sum of all parts.  If you have ever walked into a door hardware store and noticed the mess created by all the ironmongery strewn all over the store room, this could be one of the many myriad reasons that could help explain the reason why.

in an obscure corner of the door hardware store, where the sunrays cannot reach the interior part of the shop, a shadow was cast on the abandoned jimmy proof lock. “at least you are still relevant to the current design and technical requirements of doors,” whimpered the jimmy proof lock, “whereas I am no longer mentioned in the current tender documentations of ironmongery.”

As the various ironmongery gloat on their golden opportunities of being selected by the walk-in customers of the hardware store, the aged jimmy proof lock drown in its own sorrows of being obsolete.

He lamented, “what have I done to deserve this?” he remember the times when he was bullied in school.  During an arts competition, the jimmy proof lock took a huge effort to come up with a water color sketch of his favorite place, which was the day zoo in Singapore.  Even though he has only made one trip to the zoo, as he could not afford the entrance fees, and the outing was sponsored by some parents, he remembered every detail of the animal exhibits which he visited.  The water colour pigment was bought with his last dollar, which was meant for him to buy food during his recess period.  The forfeiting of his pocket money meant that he will go hungry for the next five days.

On the day of the contest’s submission, as the jimmy proof lock held the precious water colour sketch which he has painstakingly worked on through the night, forfeiting his sleep, something dramatic happened.

While walking to hand over the artwork, his classmates cornered him and pour water on his artwork.  He was so shocked that no words came out of his mouth. He can only protest silently with his sad eyes, as his classmate ran away laughing haughtily.

As he has only half an hour before the competition close, with the deadline looming and the clock ticking away, the jimmy proof lock knew that he has still one trick up his sleeve.

He ran all the way home, discarding his water soaked painted sketch. He ran up the stairs all the way to his tenth floor rented public housing apartment as the lift broke down, as usual as the budget to maintain elevators around the housing estate is limited and the town council do not want to waste public precious resources on rental flats.

“why do you come back?”, asked his mother, as the jimmy proof lock dashed into his home.  “I thought you are supposed to be in school for your submission of the art contest,” questioned his mother as she looked at his son with a curious and concerned look, as he seems to be on the verge of crying.

He digged into the piles of sketches that he has done over the last three months and found what he was looking for.  Without answering his mother’s questions, he rushed out of his house.  With just 10 seconds before the closing time, the jimmy proof lock managed to handover his work to the invigilator, who is checking his clock to ensure that submission closing time is strictly adhered to.   

Heaving a sigh of relief, the jimmy proof lock walked back home and witness a girl who was his schoolmate running into the school compound, carrying her artwork.   He heard the cries of his school mate as she was denied entering her hard work as the deadline was exceeded by 10 seconds.  The jimmy proof lock thanked his good fortune that he did not suffer the same fate as the girl.

The next day, as the arts teacher walked into the class with a stern look, all the students were waiting in trepidation as to who will be scolded next.  To his horror, the jimmy proof lock was called to come up to the front of his class.

The arts teacher slowly took up the artwork that the jimmy proof submitted for the competition and berated him.  And this was what was shown to the class by the teacher.

One day, an architect walked into the door hardware store and asked for a jimmy proof lock.  The reason is that she is designing a conserved heritage shop house project and the regulatory body requires that the ironmongery must be preserved or if it needs to be changed because its not working anymore, the new item must match back to the existing one.

“I have walked down this street of shops selling ironmongery and this is my las stop,” the architect conversed with the shop owner, “and I hope that I can find the jimmy proof lock that I need.”  The shop proprietor went to the back of the shop and opened the store room where the outmoded ironmongery are kept in and gathering dust, and waiting to be disposed of by the “garang kuni” man.

To the delight of the depressed jimmy proof lock, it was chosen and selected by the architect.  The architect was delighted that she has found the ironmongery to complete her project and the shop owner was pleased that he has managed to make a sale out of his junk ironmongery.

Meanwhile the jaunty gold plated handles jeered and booed as the jimmy proof lock leave the shop and live happily ever after in an air-conditioned conserved traditional shophouse that won the UNESCO world heritage site.

PS: this is a purely a figment of the author’s wild imagination, while waiting for the architectural keyplans to start his ironmongery scheduling works.  Any resemblance or reference made to non-living ironmongery or fittings, is surely coincidental.